There are many extremely weird children toys out there but what’s more surprising is that people actually buy them.
What forced that parents’ hand? Was it the growing line accumulating behind them or just a very out-of-touch cheesy sense of humor? Did they just not read the packaging because of a combination of not enough time and too much vanity to admit that 41 years old is definitely the age for reading glasses?
I can understand why these toys are made, of course; if they sell, more cheap plastic will be welded into bizarre shapes that barely resemble animals. But why are they selling? It can’t just be because children have no idea what they want and randomly glom on to elaborate trash. There has to be more to this snake eating its own tail of a marketing strategy than just desperation, right?
Well, hopefully, none of our wallets got suckered into these next purchases.
18. FANTASY JUST BECAME MUCH SADDER
Oh man, I had no idea that the update of the hand turkey would be such a bummer. Possibly the most confusing thing about all of this packaging is why an adult’s hand is inhabiting this miserable, makeshift unicorn.
Is this supposed to liven up the office and not remind us all of how bad Sharon is with money? There are some toys that it would be more cost effective to just drop directly into the ocean. This is one of them; it’ll obviously be played with twice at most and then go straight into some landfill. Save us all the time, drive to the ocean and pitch it straight in.
17. DO CHILDREN REALLY NEED ENCOURAGEMENT TO BE LOUDER?
It’s so hard to compete in this field of truly bad toys, but the tagline “The louder you yell, the faster they go” might actually be the most brilliantly rude of all toy descriptors.
Maybe this isn’t inherently the strangest toy, but that one detail does deserve to take home some kind of trophy. This was either brewed up by someone whose incredibly incompetent or a mean genius whose infiltrated the children’s toys industry only to wreak havoc upon this world. Anyway, it doesn’t matter how adorable a “Yellies” is or isn’t. They must all be blown up from the face of this planet.
16. IN CASE YOUR KID DOESN’T RUN INTO ENOUGH OBJECTS
This is the perfect toy for that toddler that doesn’t hurt themselves by running into totally visible pieces of furniture enough. What’d you say? That’s no toddler out there? Even the quiet, indoorsy ones end up with totally preventable and ridiculous injuries all because their world perspective hasn’t solidified? Well, that would almost make it seem like nobody out there needs these glasses and that… that can’t be right, can it?
If this toy is made, someone has to play with it. Right? As a side note, glasses on toddlers is arguably one of the most hilarious and delightful sights but shutter shades are not included in that class. These are a bad idea.
15. WELL, THIS CAN’T HELP ANYTHING
It’s definitely a common complaint amongst parents that their little ones don’t fully understand that bowel movements are gross and should be flushed immediately. It’s a little confusing since both number one and two definitely have their own distinct odors meant to repel people, but sure. Kids might not know better. But adults definitely do and this doll only serves to really blur the lines. Pee and poop are our friends? That’s a great way to spread disease. Also, sorry but I have to say this — that’s the world representation of urine I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen a lot of pee dolls (just kidding).
14. ANYTHING CAN BE A ROCKING HORSE, KIND OF
There’s the upside that this toy can teach children how to spot when they have a flat tire super duper early in life. If this came with a car jack, maybe it’d be the first step to teaching your toddler to change a tire. The googly eyes are a nice touch but, yeesh. It’ll take more than that to fix this sad mess. Doesn’t it seem like a rocking horse with such a broad and soft bottom would be more likely to fall than a regular one? Does it seem less stable than something hard or am I just old school about what counts as a rocking horse?
13. BIGGER PANTS CAN MAKE ANY CHILD A SWING!
It’s so weird to see a toy that a child can literally grow into. Those are probably his dad’s old jeans, right? Their first ending was when they became cut-offs and once they were worn to shreds, they became a swing. Look, I’ll give the adult behind this one thing — it may be a bad idea, but that kid is having fun. Will he fall through a leg hole? Who knows? This swing is about the here and now. It’s about the present and in the present, this bad idea hasn’t completely fallen through. I guess that’s good enough.
12. ALL OF THIS NEEDS TO BE UNPACKED
This whole toy industry based off playthings meant to resemble feces is either an example of the genius of marketing or… as gross and dumb as it seems. I get this might be a parent’s sense of humor, but the idea of any portion of someone’s salary going to this is honestly tragic. For an adult’s time and effort (any amount of time — I don’t care if this parent is a federal judge who rakes in so much money) to go in any way to buying this… Ugh, that’s just too miserable. Are these pictures of dumb toys or reasons to dismantle capitalism?
11. ANYTHING CAN BE ADORABLE, RIGHT?
It is pretty annoying when kids from the suburbs recoil from the slight inconveniences of the city like some trash on the ground is the same as living in Bubonic plague-infested Europe.
So, on that note, maybe there’s a reason to buy your child fake trash? But on the other hand, there’s nothing cute about crates and trash bins. There’s almost no reason to pay money for the miniature of something you can easily find abandoned on the sidewalk.
Also, kids, don’t play with rats. Sure, some people swear they’ve trained their rats and that’s great but the subway rats for sure don’t know any tricks.
10. PURPOSEFULLY MISUNDERSTANDING SAVES MONEY
Grandma had come to a metaphorical fork in the road. She could either acknowledge that she knows what an iPad is, make her grandbaby’s dreams come true and shell out hundreds of dollars. Okay, that’s one pre-Christmas choice. Or grandma could cash in her “Pretend You Don’t Know” card that all members of the Greatest Generation get and buy her little Kyle an eye pad. What’s the difference? Oopsie daisy, here’s the five dollars you’d get in your birthday card anyway? Sorry, Kyle. Maybe that money will go towards your college someday. Or grandma got herself an iPad and you can’t play with it.
9. WHO IS SHE?
Oh, right. Of course. She’s that princess from Pixar’s classic movie… I mean, Disney’s little known but beloved animated masterpiece… Is this girl the janitor from Frozen or something? Why doesn’t she have legs? I guess that question should have come first if anything but it’s very confusing. So she doesn’t have any lips and her hair is sort of defying gravity. I guess you can only ask for so much, but having legs definitely counts in the category of stuff you should be able to expect out of a doll. Recognizability? Maybe not, but the suspicious absence of a lower body is a pretty big gaffe.
8. DOES THE WINNER CLEAN UP OR THE LOSER?
So presumably this is some kind of old fashioned game where Uno is mixed with a food fight. I’m pretty confused since it seems like families in generations past would have even less patience for unnecessary messes and food waste (isn’t that why children got jobs?) but okay, maybe this was a dumb idea from decades ago. I’ll let that one go — every point in the 20th century had its own dumb junk to sell. But is this game at all a family bonding experience or just the last straw for one of the parents before they go out for milk and never come back?
7. TRANSFORMERS BUT THEY TURN INTO ROCKS
Yes, this is quite literally just “Transformers but worse.” I didn’t know that this list would take such a strange zig-zag into reinventing classic franchises but making them far worse, but sure. This toy is like if Winne the Pooh was re-cast as an opossum. Not necessary and much worse. To break it down, these toys do transform into cars and vehicles and all that. And their other form is as rocks. Yeah, rocks. The kind that lay on the ground and doesn’t do anything. At least it’s easy to choose your favorite way to play with the thing that’s either a plane or a boulder.
6. SETTING US ALL UP FOR REALISTIC STANDARDS
I’m not much of a conspiracy theorist but let me just pitch one real tin foil hat of a concept out there. Are these incompetent toy makers lashing out with all their impotent rage by tricking kids into eating and touching poop? There. I said it. On one hand, what adult would ever do that? And on the other hand, there really seems to be a theme going on here. Maybe there’s a bunch of frustrated adults who don’t understand why their life’s work of bringing children joy is so unsuccessful. They’re like the burn out Santa’s elves. And they’ve dedicated themselves to dishonorable things.
5. THIS CAN’T POSSIBLY SEND OUT A GOOD MESSAGE
So, I’m just right. Right? This is literally the escalation of what I was just saying. There’s a global conspiracy out there against all children dumb enough to use these toys. Sorry, not dumb. Less smart than other kids is all. It’s a lip balm that only confuses children about how to treat fecal matter. Sorry to use the word “fecal” (and then use it again) and maybe that sounds extreme but let’s be honest — most of us adults are still confused by the Gatorade flavors that were just colors and an adjective. Then you show this to a kid — forget about it.
4. KIDS WON’T FIND THIS CHARMING
Does anyone know this battery brand? JCB? What is that, Justin Bieber’s initials (what is his middle name anyway? And are he and Hailey hyphenating their last names or what? Whatever, we’re not talking about them right now. Besides the fact that batteries are one of the dullest and disappointing gifts, children definitely shouldn’t be left alone with subpar batteries.
Take that package of batteries to a safe disposal in your public library before they just leak out of whatever dinosaur toy and get acid all over your kid. Fine, the batteries might be fine but they’ll definitely burn out super soon.
3. AGAIN, REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
It’s totally possible that this doll (no idea what brand she is; I’d say she’s one of the Bratz Dolls except she doesn’t look at all like them) finds her profession very fulfilling and works in a respectful environment that treats femininity with honor. Or that this is just how she gets a workout because it’s an amazing full-body undertaking and for the larger part of the day, this doll works as a human right’s lawyer. But… that’s a level of nuance that’s tough to put on a toy without it being obviously projection. And not at all what the kid is going to pick up on.
2. STRIVE FOR GREATNESS
I guess this fate has more accessories to go along with it but it’s still pretty dark. Definitely the sister toy to the one above, if not the job that also gets worked to make ends meet. You know, if things are super sad. I’m just saying, if we’re getting into overly realistic children’s toys then why not acknowledge the doll from before might need to juggle multiple jobs. Just because she’s an exotic dancer doesn’t mean she’s well played- maybe she only gets slots on Tuesday’s lunch special and has to work in fast food for the rest of the week.
1. WOODBURNING FOR KIDS?
So cool to see children learning a trade in their free time after fifth grade lets out for the day. Also, this so isn’t going to work out okay. It’s the same reason you don’t see many “Baby’s first carpentry” sets. It’s a great vocation and so dangerous for a child. You just have to look at the risk versus reward. What’s the risk? I don’t know, burning the house down and marring your sibling. And what’s the possible reward of this toy? Umm, a pretty box. That box pretty has some amazing floral designs to make up for everything that it could possibly destroy.